The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
She was REALLY feeling it.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.