Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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gentlemen, hear me out
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
same bro
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
A bold strategy
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.