“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit