*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.