An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
#dalle2
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.