It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My background check bounced.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
How high do the levels go?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument