I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Autocarrot sucks!
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.