Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
this is so top tier i cant
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
smh
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.