Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.