My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I hate my earbuds.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk