“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
i did the math
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.