Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.