Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle