I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
You Might Also Like
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
OMG 🤣🤣
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question