Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
🐕🍷
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Seek kebab; not attention
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”