@SinghSahaaaab

Seek kebab; not attention

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@chuuew

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

@itsBABYSMITH

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

@kevinthedad

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

@RunOldMan

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

@AtticusFinch79

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

@WilliamAder

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

@BradBroaddus

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

@tweetingdouche

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.