Seek kebab; not attention

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Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day


yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter


I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days


Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut


*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.


Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.


Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.