@SinghSahaaaab
@chuuew Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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@chuuew 
@itsBABYSMITH yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
@kevinthedad I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
@RunOldMan Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
@AtticusFinch79 *taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
@WilliamAder Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
@BradBroaddus Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
@amishschool * Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
@JoshuaPotash Wait a second…
@tweetingdouche Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.