My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Namaste
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
liiiiiiiiike
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*