If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.