If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell