I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
omg leave her alone
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.