craving $300 all of a sudden
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Actually cracking up @ this