There’s no “u” in narcissist
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people