ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
same bro
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
A drum solo but on your face.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.