I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Cartman: Respect my
a a
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.