ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
A drum solo but on your face.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Don’t snitch tag.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?