When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.