@geraintgriffith

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

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@iAmDelFreaky

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

@TuffyNyC

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

@torrami

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@Soren_Ltd

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

@EndhooS

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

@AngelaEhh

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

@pleatedjeans

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.