@iAmDelFreaky I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
@geraintgriffith “This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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@iAmDelFreaky 
@notmythirdrodeo I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
@TuffyNyC What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
@torrami Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
@RobDenBleyker In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
@Soren_Ltd Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
@EndhooS “Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
@AngelaEhh People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
@pleatedjeans U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
@Manda_like_wine Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.