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[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.