Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.