Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”