My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.