Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.