My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not