My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)