[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month