[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
![]()
You Might Also Like
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: