There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
You Might Also Like
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.