I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Just a reminder, folks:
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.