so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi