My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Travel bloggers during quarantine
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.