OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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This is my brand.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.