People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
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In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Nice try, NASA
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.