wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
You Might Also Like
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
British websites use biscuits.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
j o i m p
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.