[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.