I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I mean…but I did
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!