I mean…but I did
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The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.