Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.