To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*