We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.