3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
hmmm
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.