3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]