*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
According to math, I’m broke
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty