I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?